The Rules of Eggs

People who know me might also know that I hate eggs. They're the worstest nastiest things, and the only food that I get really arsey about. There are some eggs that will make me boke upon sight, but there are also a few which I can eat under certain circumstances. Here are the rules of eggs.

Boiled Egg

I can eat a boiled egg if it is very soft. Three minutes on the boil for a large egg. I can only eat the yellow bit though, and I can't peel it or take the top off it myself or I will vomit.

If it is really hard, I will also vomit if I try to eat any of it. On a particularly bad day I might even vomit from looking at it. Even looking at one of those godawful fucking egg slicers will make me feel ill.

Poached Egg

No way, not ever.

Scrambled Egg

I quite like scrambled egg, but only under very precise circumstances. It needs to be made with one very small egg, lots of cheese, milk, salt and pepper and butter. It has to be fried lightly so it is really creamy. I can only have it with lots of worcester sauce or, at a push, lots of brown sauce or tobasco. I most likely won't finish it as I will still start to feel sick after a bit.

Quiche

Fine, if it is a good quality quiche. Has to have some bacon involved as well.

Omelette

Like scrambled eggs, I can really enjoy an omelette, but it has to be under a very strict set of rules. I have to cook meat in the pan first, ideally bacon and chorizo so that it releases lots of salty delicious juices. Then I take out the meat but leave the juices and throw in some thyme and rosemary so it crisps up real quick. Then I take it off the heat and add the eggs, along with the meat, some potato and whatever else I fancy. There has to be loads of stuff in it, to minimise the egg/nice stuff ratio. The egg also has to be whisked up loads, as if the white separates and sits in the omelette in solid chunks, I will vomit.

Then the whole pan goes in the oven, cooked at a really high temperature so it all rises, like a fritatta. Cheese on top, and also some parsley, red onion and lemon. All this takes away from the dirty eggs holding the whole thing together.

Fried Egg

I can handle a fried egg approximately once every two years. It has to be really runny, and I will only dip stuff into the yellow bit as if I eat the white shite I will vomit. If the egg is too hard, I will also vomit. After I have had a few dips, I may need to move the egg off my plate, as it is possible that I could vomit.

Egg in a Cup

Don't be fucking stupid.


And there you go. Now you know how to serve me eggs and not have me vomit all over the place. At least, not from the eggs.

HR