Haircut 100

I got a haircut this morning.



It's such a strange ritual, and one that I don't do as often as I probably should, which makes it even stranger for me. I'm a pretty confident guy, and I don't usually have any problems with stuff like this, but the barber makes me go really weird and neurotic, because I just don't really know what I'm doing there.

Here are some things that I picked up on during my time at the barber, which threw me a little. I wasn't sure on the protocol, can someone tell me the correct procedure please? I'd particularly like to hear from anyone who works or has worked as a barber/hairdresser.

EDIT: This is a lot longer and wordier than I intended, I got carried away. So be warned.

1. I got offered a drink.

I went for the tea. There was a well stocked beer fridge, but I was going to work after. That and it was 10am, and probably would've been frowned upon. I thought I was being given the drink to have while I waited, but I was seated in the barber's chair immediately, the tea set down in front of me beside the mirror.

It was very nice of them, but I didn't understand the protocol.... was I meant to just sit forward and sip the tea whenever I wanted? Wouldn't that make them fuck up my hair? Or was I meant to ask permission? I don't think I'd like that. In the end, I just left it there. About 1 minute into the haircut, the chap asked if I wanted to 'get that tea'. I wasn't sure if he meant to just have a sip, or down it in one, or balance it on my lap. I took a sip, and then left it there for the remainder of the time. It wasn't mentioned again. I intended on having it upon completion, as I quite like cold tea and there was a tasty looking biscuit with it, but I forgot.

I'm hungry now, I wish I'd had the biscuit.


Not this Biscuit.

2. The terminology.

The first thing I was asked, of course, was what way I wanted my hair. This ALWAYS throws me, I don't know what to say! I'm not a barber, I don't know the lingo, and feel like a dork when I start using slightly made up words. I used to always just get my head buzzed with the buzzer, because you can go in and say 'number 2 all over!' and know exactly what you're getting and not have to worry about anything at all. Plus I like the feel of it. But I've started to recede a bit, and I like to have a more sensible haircut anyway.

So instead, I say something like this:

"Erm, can I have it trimmed at the back and sides, like, with the scissors... not the... uh... buzzer thing... and then a bit longer on top, sort of brushed back and to the side and... uh... kinda.... quiffy.... I like it sorta quiffy... but... I mean not QUIFFY, just.... quiffy.... uh.... I don't know, whatever you think".

I don't like that. It makes me feel like I don't have a clue what I want, even though I do, I just don't know how to describe it. It makes me think that everyone there is thinking, 'This jerk has no control over his life, he doesn't even know what way he wants his hair! HA! What a loser'.

Should I bring a photograph? I don't like doing that. They laughed when I brought in one of James Dean once, although they did cut my hair like James Dean's and it did look totally cool, so maybe that would be a good thing to do again. I think it looks a bit weird doing that though.

Another time, they got me on the computer and asked if I wanted to use google image search, but I just typed in 'quiffy' and felt like even more of a dick than before.

3. The Chat

This is the obvious bit that bothers a lot of people, so I won't linger on it. I like a bit of chat sometimes (but not always), and I was in the mood for it today. Although it started getting a bit weird and sweary and I wasn't sure if that was normal. But I joined in and got a bit sweary too, which was fun. I always thought of the barber as somewhere to be very polite, like a doctor or dentist, but maybe I've got it wrong and it's more like a gym changing room or something?

My friend Joe says that it would be good if you could specify whether you want 'talking or non talking' barbers and taxi drivers. That would be great. I wonder if it could realistically be done without offending people. Maybe some day in the future this will be the norm.



For some reason I also realised I was talking in a really deep voice, I'm not sure why. Maybe it was just the acoustics of the place.

4. The Haircut

Once I've said my piece at the start, I tend not to intervene too much during the haircut itself. I figure its already pre-ordained whether its going to be a good cut or not, and is in the hands of the hairdresser/barber. Sometimes I get freaked out in the middle that too much is being taken off, but my reasoning behind keeping quiet is that they will have a plan and I don't want to mess with it, or else I'll just end up looking silly.

This sometimes ends up with me getting haircuts that aren't quite what I wanted, but usually they're pretty good. Also, it means that I can blame the barber if its shit, and not myself for interrupting and making him change it all.

Today's cut is a good cut, I think. A nice touch was that the chap left it kinda feathered at the back, rather than 'squaring it off'. I've always thought that looks a bit shit if the front if left kinda brushed back and windswept (I don't like that word), as it doesn't match up. The guy said exactly that, and I was pretty pleased.

Maybe I know more about haircuts than I thought.

5. The Beard

I haven't let the hairdresser touch my beard in ten years. Until today!

I figure, everyone's facial hair is different and certainly mine grows thicker in some places than others. So I've always done it at home myself, because there's no way they're going to know where to trim more than others, and if they do it just uniform all over it could be a bit patchy in places.

But I've misplaced my beard trimmer when moving house (it must be in a box or bag at my folks' house, I think), and I was well overdue a trim. Also, after the haircut was finished, my beard looked MASSIVE as I got the hair pretty tight at the side. Combined with the fact that I was going straight on to work, this meant I was going to have to get the beard done.

Long story short, it was ace. I got to lean way back and got a hot towel over my eyes that smelled very nice, like t-tree oil I think. I'm not too sure why this was, but I liked it. The guy worked away, he started with a number 2 buzzer, but he said it 'wasn't taking much off', so he did 1.5 instead. I was enjoying the towel, so I didn't really mind, and figured that it would grow back pretty quickly anyway.

After this, he finished off around my mouth (no jokes please) with scissors and a really tiny wee buzzer. This was a nice touch, I'd wondered if he would do that and was happy when he did. He also used a cutthroat for the edges. Nice.

The end result was indeed slightly patchy, but I really had a good time with the eye-towel, so didn't mind. He also rubbed my whole face after with another towel. It sounds a bit weird, but it was very relaxing.

I think I might go in to get my beard done every fortnight, just to get the towel treatment. It was totally relaxing, and also functional. I was more relaxed after that than after getting a massage, which is a completely different story*. I also like the idea of being a beard-regular at a barber, it seems like something a gentleman should be doing.

6. The Pay

The final challenge.

After getting brushed down and everything, it was time to pay.
It came to £23.90, which I was pretty pleased with because the whole thing took well over an hour (maybe more) and the guy had been really good. There was a lot of attention to detail, and he even took my coat and hung it up and the start, and put it back on me afterwards and everything. That meant a lot to me, even though I felt a bit weird having him put my coat on for me, I didn't want him to think I was trying to act like some sort of big timer. But it was nice.

I was paying by card, and he'd put it through and everything and I was halfway through putting in my PIN before I remembered - the tip. Are you meant to tip? I think maybe you're meant to tip. I know the time before I gave £2, and I figured because it was £23.90 I should maybe have told him to round it up to £25.

But I'd already started to put in the PIN, and anyway if I was paying by card surely the money would just go to the till and if I was tipping him, I'd want the money to go to HIM. Nobody else there took my jacket or paid extra attention to my moustache, or listened to my quiffy bullshit.

I had no change either, so I just headed on. There was nothing else I could do. I felt pretty bad at the time, like I'd cheated him. But then I started to think that maybe that was silly and that it was his job to be doing all the good stuff that he did anyway, regardless of tips. Maybe there isn't even meant to be a tip, but I thought there was.

Is there meant to be a tip? I think it's maybe a grey area. Like taxis.

Anyway, that's the story of my haircut. I tried to take a picture of it earlier, when I was standing at the traffic lights, because I didn't really stick around to get a good look in the mirror at the barber and I wanted to make sure that it was looking fly before I went into work!

Sadly, the green man came on as I was taking the photograph, and I also realised I looked like a complete dick taking a photo of myself in the middle of the street. So I moved my head, and my eyes. The resulting photo was pretty funny though and gave me a giggle, so here it is.

I'm not going to put it on Facebook, it's a blog exclusive!

Thanks for reading. Lemme know your thoughts on haircuts!

HR

*I ended up getting my bottom slapped. I didn't care for it. Although the rest was great!